I've been awful at keeping up with my blog since Abram was born. Life. Busyness. Change and so much more have kept me far too busy to devote time and energy to this thing. BUT right now I feel compelled to write AND Abram's sleeping so why not!
Panic :: Just typing that word makes my heart rate go up a few notches. I'll get to my reasons for typing panic in a minute. For now I need to lay out some back story first.
When I became a mom to a newborn I was like a ship lost at sea, fighting strong currents, sailing through storms that I felt very unprepared for. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I THOUGHT I was prepared. Nope. Waves of emotions over took me. Baby blues set in. I felt like I had lost myself. Felt alone and very scared of the future. What kept me though was an undeniable earth shattering LOVE for my son. The depths of my struggles came from wanting SO BADLY to do it right. Be the perfect mom for Abram.
Over time though, I calmed down. THANK GOD. My hormones ceased raging. Having a baby became more familiar. More natural. Through more and more experience my confidence started soaring. The waves became just little ripples and I could see the sun again.
We got this. We sleep more. We have more structure. I love being a stay at home mom now (didn't so much in the beginning). I totally get my boy. I know him well. He knows me. We're pretty in-sync. Obviously we have rough moments and days, but nothing like those first few months.
This coming Saturday, May 24th Abram is turning one.
Now that Abram's approaching one I get people asking me if I've cried or telling me to not cry too much when he turns one. Honestly, I haven't felt any mushy gushy weirdness thinking about him turning one. In my mind it's just felt like another day going by. I've kind of been proud of myself for not being all gushy mushy about it. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have mom moments where I'm like, What the heck!? How is he so big!? Where is my baby? But nothing earth shattering. Just kind of been feeling like meh, yep he's turning one! What's the big deal everyone?
Well that was...until today. Something was different about today. Something about Abram was different. Maybe it's just me or maybe other parents will understand this, but today I saw a different side to him slowly budding it's way out. He was acting more like a wild little boy and not so much a crying goo-goo gaga baby.
He is changing in ways that I am so unfamiliar with and because of that realization panic hit me. It struck me hard. I feel like I'm starting all over again. I feel scared of what's to come this next year. I've gotten so comfortable in "knowing" my boy just as he is. So when I saw a "different" him it struck a cord in me.
A fear of the unknown. A questioning of myself and my abilities to be a mom. Can I handle this? Will I know what to do? How do I toddler? What's he going to be like? Will we be able to relate? Will we have a special bond like we do now? How do I... a million feelings and questions are starting to sweep through my heart and mind. I don't like it. I want that peace and that confidence back please. Please. PLEASE!
Is this what you moms have been talking about? Is this the change that makes being a parent so hard? Will I face these fears each new year and each turning of the seasons of Abram's life? Ahhh! See, told ya I'm panicking.
I'm scared and feeling overwhelmed by the changes coming. In my core I want to know I will do it right. Did I just birth a new child? I don't recall starting over with all these emotions being part of the deal. I thought we arrived!
God. Just another turn of the tide that shows me I need Him. I needed Him yesterday, today and I'm seeing that I will DEFINITELY need Him tomorrow. My heart can't handle these changes without Him.
When I look back on this year. I am so thankful for it all. Thankful for the way God has enabled me to grow so much as a person, a mother, a wife, and a friend. So my prayer is this: God please please help me. I need you. I can't do this mama thing without you.
So here we go again. Cheers to a new season. A new scroll of questions I'll probably be asking. New depths my heart and mind will be experiencing.
If you have any advice or wise words I wouldn't be opposed to hearing them. :)
Sincerely,
The freaking out, what is happening? - mom
