Thursday, June 13, 2013

Stripped & Made New

 It's really hard to put into words all that's been going on in my heart, but I tried to convey a tiny fraction of it below. 

-- Stripped --

As I search to put words towards how I feel since entering motherhood 
one word that comes to mind is the one above; stripped. 

*many words come to mind, but I feel like this one helps to capture most all of them*

I feel like a tree stripped of it's branches and it's bark. 
Exposed & emptied of the protection I once knew. 

I'll admit, being a new mom has not been the easiest transition. 

I've cried. I've been overwhelmed. I've been sleep deprived.  
I've questioned myself as a mother and have asked WHO AM I now?  
As a couple - WHO are WE now?
I simply don't know myself as a "mother"
and who I once knew/was feels gone. 

I feel stripped to my core. 

Nothing feels the same. 
My relationships are different, even the relationships I have with my dogs (yes oddly enough). 
My daily routines are gone. 
My comforts are gone. 
My body is different.
My breasts HURT. 
I could go on..

I look at moms & dads in a whole NEW light now. 

My heart is stretching and stretching hurts. 

-- Made New --

Despite the tough feelings I'm facing, 
I'm overjoyed  at the same time. 
I'm captivated in a way I've never been before.

When I'm away from Abram I feel like I NEED to be near him. 
When I hear him cry I feel like I'm the only one who can really console him. 
When I see him smile I feel like he's telling me he loves me. 
I feel so burdened to be the best example I can be for him. 
I feel anxious to give him all the attention he needs and deserves.
I feel painfully responsible for his present and his future. 
His cries make me sad for him. 
His smell is my favorite. 
My heart melts when he makes cute noises.
I feel peace like never before when he falls asleep curled up on my chest.
I desperately desperately want him to know that I love him. 
I desire for him to know joy in abundance. 
I would do ANYTHING for this little life given to me. 
I could go on...

His needs are now my own. 

No wonder I feel stripped. 
No wonder I feel overwhelmed.
No wonder you do too mommy.

Abram has given me the best gift a person can ask for. 
He's given me the gift of selflessness. 
He's given me the chance to be made new -
- to become something greater than I was before. 

His tiny little life has forced me into deeper prayer. 
His tiny little life feels like the BIGGEST journey I've EVER embarked on. 
Wheres the map? Oh wait there isn't one. That's scary for someone who isn't spontaneous.
His tiny little self has caused me to face a big God and my faith in ways I haven't before. 

The Lord says we find life when we lose our own. 
I can see that now.
Slowly my branches are growing back.
Praying they become fuller, brighter, and stronger than before.
I am growing, I can feel it. 
Growing pains hurt, but the fruit is worth it. 

He's already a world changer; he began with this mama. 

-- Mommy loves you Abram David --
Thank you for being my world.

My friend Vanessa sent me this article. It's the BEST. Especially for new mommies. I highly recommend reading it.

Also, THANK YOU THANK YOU to all my friends (to anyone) who has given me support, advice, and love through this transition. It's been a bigger blessing than you might know. :)