Well that has been me lately. :( Ubber-dubber discouraged. I feel like I have this awful sense of unhappiness and disappointment inside of me. I feel like my heart is lacking a lot of joy.
Key word here; Joy.
I desire joy. A joy that comes from God and says, "I am a child of God, and nothing else can stand in the way of that."
As I am writing this other keywords comes to mind; peace, and confidence. Which I feel the lack of.
I desire peace. A true peace that surpasses all understanding.
I desire confidence. Not a selfish confidence, but one that drives out fear.
**the list would be a mile long if I told you all the things I fear. I want the confidence to know that I know that I know...I am simply ok {in God}.
Lately I've been trying so hard to press into God more then I do and seriously it has been ridiculously hard! I swear the world fights {and nearly always wins} at keeping me (& possibly you) from God.
...from his love, from his joy, from his peace, from his confidence.
Why does the enemy win?
More so, why do I let him?
I had a good talk with a friend recently, it was refreshing to say the least, come to find out we both have been struggling with some of the same feelings/disappointments in oursleves. We both desire God more, but realize we have allowed other, I guess you can say "earthly" things get in the way.
I feel foolish admitting this, but one of those things is internet use. Yes I said it. There are days I would rather browse the internet instead of reading my Bible or praying, actually there have been a lot of days like that lately. There have been plenty of useless hours spent on unnecessary websites. Oogaling & googling at material earthly rust away never to see in heaven "things". I don't want that.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think the internet is a bad thing. I think it's awesome! That's why I am on it so much. But their needs to be a limit, at least for me. I know their needs to be a limit when I start to choose these things over my personal relationship with God.
I talk to God all day (least I try), but where is his Word? He gave it for a reason. It feels so foreign right now, and to me that is wrong, and simply a lack of discipline on my part. Laziness at best.
With Kevin working nearly 60-70 hrs a week, it makes it much easier to fill my time with non-sense. Kevin and I both made a promise to read at least 1 chapter a day of God's word. Pathetic, 1 chapter, seriously?!, is that all I can give right now? I guess. We started about a week ago and have been reading 1 Cor. and it's good! I don't want to read God's word out of duty, that is NOT why I choose to do it. I want to read it so that I know my heavenly father. I want to read it so that his word is hidden in my heart {right where it should be}. I want to read it so that when I do step forward in heaven he might say, I know you, and you know me.
A big fear of mine is that I will get to heaven one day and hear the words, "I knew you not, or you knew me not." whatever the saying might be - either way, I can't stand the thought of God not knowing me, or me not knowing God deeply and personally. It breaks my heart and nearly brings me to tears when I think about it too long. It's a scary thought, but a real one!
Maybe I am too hard on myself. Either way I desire to be content whether I am joyless or joyful; just knowing Christ in all His glory is more than enough.
*****I wrote this post yesterday (8th) but didn't post it because I was scared. I get afraid my words will be judged and I will be rejected by people who might read how I am really feeling somedays. Thinking about it, that is rubbish! If I never "fail" or show that I am weak then I'm not truly living, I'm not allowing myself the freedom to be human; to be the person Christ died for. He did it for a reason and days like yesterday remind me that I am completely lost without Calvary.
I am nothing. He is everything.
I may be down in the dumps somedays, but that does not mean my God is not my God.
He is and will always be.
[[[[Take THAT satan!!]]]] I'd punch you in the face & give you a round-house kick to your head if I could, but I can't, so for now I will refrain from giving you a capital "s" in your name - you don't deserve the respect!
I love Isaiah 43. It's always a beautiful reminder to me.
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you...
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you...
So yeah that is my heart. That is my humaness. & I don't know why I am crazy enough to share it.
