Today I am reminded...

My dad would have turned 48 today.

9 years have past since I've seen him.
9 years since I have heard his voice.
9 years since I held his hand.
9 years since I knew him.

All these years feel like nothing. I feel like not even a day has gone by since he left.  It's still as fresh as the moment I heard it to be true. Admittedly not as sore, but still just as real.  I can't believe it to be 9 years already, it's hard to grasp, but I think I understand why.

When someone dies, your time spent with them only becomes memories and in order to feel them near your only hope is to repeat the memories over and over again... leaving your moment with them the same forever. Though 9 years have past, my memories with my dad stay the same.  Everything has changed since then, everything is different, expect the memories that play in my mind.  Those memories keep me; they keep me in the past, they keep 9 years from happening - they keep me there.  I don't know if I'm explaining this well, but in my mind I understand it perfectly.

9 years I have been healing.
9 years I have been trying to let go. How do you. Is it possible? It is; to an extent...
9 years I have been learning what it means to let the dead burry the dead.
9 years of getting to know God as Father.

Nothing is certain. Nothing is eternal apart from Love; apart from Christ.

Grieving.  What is that word?  I hate that word actually, it boggles my mind, it irritates the crap out of me, and only because I long for it fully, completely and wholly. Though I don't fully understand it (grieving), I know I have gone through it -over and over again.  This I am thankful for - God has NOT left me in my grief... He has given me joy in place of my sadness. He has given me life in place of my loss. He has given me MANY wonderful reasons to smile.  :) :) :)

Today is 9 years later.  Today I continue to move on with my life.

Happy Birthday dad.

I'm sure 48 is much better in heaven than it would have been here on earth.

a reason for life.

Leading up to my life today... here are some huge things I am thankful for:

(My goal is to update this list all throughout this whole year. Though this list does not do justice the MANY things I need to be/& am thankful for. Tally started: 11-29-08)

I am Thankful...

{ for Christ saving me at 16 }

{ for a grandma who taught me how to pray }

{ for always knowing God was real; even when I didn't truly know Him }

{ for being a girl }

{ that I get to be a big sister }

{ for the hair on my head }

{ that I have my mothers blue eyes }

{ that God provided me with my dream wedding }

{ that someone invented Starbucks }

{ that I am forgiven & given a 2nd chance at life }

{ for a handsome husband who loves unconditionally }

{ for a husband who helps clean the house when needed }

12-1-09

{ for the brownies Kevin made me }

{ for the job promotion I recently received }

{ for the obsticles I face }

{ that I have my fathers dark hair }

{ that I never needed braces }

{ that I have 2 dogs I adore }

{ that my dogs don't shed }

{ for the freckles on Kevin's face }

{ when someone affirms me with words - my love language }

{ for dads who care and make an effort in their children's lives }

{ for having w i d e fingernails (hated them growing up) }

{ that I'm not in control; though at times I wish I were }

{ for my baby sister; who makes me tear up at the slightest thought of her }

{ for my baby brothers; who are men in the making }

{ for the lessons learned through reading great books; by men inspired by a GREAT God }

{ for sleep; though I never get enough }

{ for Saturday mornings - the 1 day I DO get to sleep in }

{ for Isaiah 43 }

{ that God says He loves me; & you. }

{ for long eyelashes like my grandfather }

{ for laughs with friends }

{ that Leah came over tonight }

{ for her servant heart & attention to detail }

12-02-09

{ for wise speakers; who brave the thousand eyes and speak boldly for God }

{ for lessons learned in Scripture; the hopeful voice of God }

{ the chance to get to read Perry Nobles blog }

{ for this CUTE video! "Surprised Kitty" }

12-05-09

{ for my friends the "Reed's" - they are fun to hang with }

{ for storms. I'm stronger today because of them. and so are you. }

{ for a woman named Chantel Pandora- I tend to call her "mom" }

{ for a man named Jesus- I tend to call him "friend" }

{ for a powerful God- I tend to call him "father" }

{ for the words "I love you" - sometimes that's all I need }

{ for my friends who blog, they keep me informed and inspired }

{ that God will provide. I'm sure of it. The Cross doesn't lie }

{ for music. }

"Of all the music that reached farthest into heaven, it is the beating of a loving heart."

-Henry Ward Beecher

Thought: When I don't feel at peace within my soul - I'm beginning to wonder if I need to let some things go {to make room for the peace I crave}...


PS -PLEASE read CRAZY LOVE by Francis Chan it's been life changing for myself & Kevin.
Another good one is YOUR GOD IS TOO SAFE by Mark Buchanan