The Let Go

I remember this day 1 yr ago and I said heck with it and let them do it. Water everywhere and all. 

As a parent I tend to get so rigid, stiff, & stuffy, that I forget the importance of saying yes to the things that may cause me discomfort and or more “work” on my end. 

A lot of the times I operate out of this “me” mode on autopilot and forget I’m even doing it, but that’s not healthy. I’m trying hard to remember that the day is theirs too (if not more!). Looking back on memories like this makes me sad and happy. Sad, thinking about the moments I missed because of my own agenda, but happy that my agenda doesn’t always win. 

This is my own personal reminder to give in a little more, and to be a little more free each day to enter their world, because someday their world will no longer intersect so much with mine 😭 and I KNOW I will miss it. 

All the bits, pieces & splashes of it. 💕

Isla had a big poop today and as I was changing it, Abram said, “I wish I was already a Daddy, and I could change her diaper for you so you don’t have to.” --- aww, Thanks Buddy. 😭

Obviously he’s not always that sweet, but still...the fact that he even thought that up and said it made me so thankful for his tender, empathetic heart. 

He’ll win some daddy awards someday. I just know it 💕
(And some wife awards too 🙌) 

“In fact, a Harvard study published just last year showed that nearly 80 percent of kids stated that the primary message they receive from their parents is that personal achievement and happiness matters more than care and concern for other people. The kids in the study were also three times more likely to agree with the following statement: “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my class than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

•

A good report card is a more visible measure of my parenting skills to teachers than my son’s random act of sharing a toy with another child in the corner—an act that nobody ever sees.

•

When we don’t believe we have what it takes as parents, it’s too easy to reach for the outward affirmation that’ll prove to us, and everyone else, otherwise. So we end up valuing success over character. Feeling better over loving better.” 

- Safe House: Chapter 1, By: Joshua Straub

I hope her light always shines out the darkness. 💕

Safe House

I write this post with a heavy heart, but not without hope. A weight has been put on me and I can’t lift it on my own. This post could be forever long, because so many thoughts, so many emotions, so much to carry, but I’ll try to keep it short and somewhat formed. I won’t share names, but I want to share the realness of it.
———
Yesterday with another couple, we launched a parenting class at Brentwood Church. Kevin Van Wynsberg and I are far from perfect, far from having it figured out and far from even being fully experienced in this area, BUT we are not far from the struggle. We are in it. We carry a heart of passion and knowledge towards the subject that we can’t just sit on. We have to move. We have to do something. And yesterday revealed that. Yesterday’s launch revealed why this is so needed. We had about 8 couples in the room and we opened the floor to them. We wanted to get to know them, their kids, and what was one thing that’s hard for them as a parent and what was one thing that brings them joy in it. We thought we’d get simple quick sort of surface level answers, but we didn’t. We got the complete opposite and were blindsided by the truth. People opened their hearts in BIG ways. It was as if they were taking a big sigh of relief, because they finally had a safe place to share, to say something and let it out. They finally had a place to get out from under some weights and expose the true strengths they carry. 

For example: We had a dad cry when talking about the lack of a father figure growing up. The lack of having a father example in his own life burdens his heart and mind so much, and he wishes to tears he had a father example to go by. This lack causes him great anxiety as he feels like he’s blindly fathering his own. He so desperately wants to get it right. He places the hammer down on himself and longingly wants to hear he’s not messing it up. We had mom’s tell how they don’t like being a mom. They don’t like the job, it’s not what they envisioned for themselves in the sense of meeting the standards of it. These moms are goal setters, doers and women of success and strength, but when it comes the role of being a mom their confidence flies out the door. I see the heart though, what they so desperately want is to get it right. So much so that the joy is being sucked out and they’re falling suffocated by it. The overarching voice from the men is that they don’t have the patients to parent. And the heart of the women is that they are guilty. They’re screwing it all up. One mom cried, because of fear that her children will lose her at a young age. You could sense that there is a deeper rooted pain from where this fear is coming from and honestly I get it. I know that fear and pain all to well in my own life. Life can feel like a smack in the face when it takes people from us, which then trickles down to how we live, love and lead. We had parents with special needs children and as a mom without a special needs child, I can only imagine how lonely that road must get. How exhausting it must be. How hard. How confusing. As each cry of the heart was spoken I felt the sting in my own heart. I could relate in some way. I could have shouted YES! Me too! to almost every word, tear, joy, fear, struggle, burden, hopelessness spoken of. 

I really want to be able to tell you that the joys outweighed the hardships in that room, but honestly in this moment I don’t think they did. Something in this parenting thing is ripping the joy from people and leaving them dry. The weight is HEAVY. If you watch a professional weightlifter you won’t ever see them smiling under the pressure of the bar. You see them fighting for their life to get the weight up and off. Is that what parenting has come to? Is that what it really is? Is that what God created it to be like? In my heart of hearts I don’t think so. If we could all put even just one finger under that bar - imagine how easy it would be to lift. Have you ever spotted someone doing a bench press? The person is crushing under the weight, but you put only two fingers under the bar and they magically lift it like a feather. Some lifts are different and it takes a lot more effort from the person spotting them, but not always. Can we make parenting look like this? Can we give each other some breathing room to smile again. To find the joy in it? Can we get the joy to outweigh the hardships? Can we take back what the enemy has stolen and with a loud voice shout, I AM ENOUGH. I AM, BECAUSE HE IS THE I AM. I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR MY KIDS - THROUGH CHRIST, BECAUSE HE IS ENOUGH IN ME! Can we shout out GRACE GRACE GRACE from the roof tops and start loving ourselves again? I don’t have the answers for it, but I’m determined to help these parents & myself find the path of joy in the love that that we fight to give our children. 

Apart from the inevitable heaviness carried into that room, we had some great laughs too. The type of laughs that connect people in a way that says, I get you, you get me and so we can laugh about it together. We can stair the crazy into the eyes and say, “you cray, but you also funny.”

I jokingly compared our class to an alcoholics anonymous class, yet our vice is being a parent. Hi, I’m Melanie and I haven’t been sober (childless) for 4.5 yrs. You get my drift...

I’m scared and excited to dive deep and swim things up to the surface with this group. Life’s too short for us to beat ourselves up like this. Life’s too beautiful to cover it up with regret. Life’s too valuable to not want to live it. Our children are too precious to not have a mom and dad who have joy and security in what they do. I hope and pray this group becomes a safe haven for those in need and the hearts that need rejuvenation and encouragement start to find it. 

So if you think of us, pray for us. We see some people trying to lift some heavy weights and we want to help them, but we know we can’t do it alone. This workout takes an army of spotters. 

-----

Book: Safe House By: Joshua Straub 

Because... why not.

As we step away from Christmas; the holiday that represents the beginning of God's LIVING SACRIFICE to us. I find it only fitting that as we charge into this new year, that we give thanks to God by offering [ourselves] as a living sacrifice to Him. 

This is what Romans 12 is all about [A Living Sacrifice to God]. Romans 12 is FULL of honorable New Year resolutions.

These last few days I have been uneasy about what my new year resolutions should be. What word I should pick. On top of it all, I've been battling some pretty mean, nasty, hurtful thoughts towards myself. "If only I looked like... If only I was like... If only I could figure out how to... If only I could love myself... If only I could stop thinking this way... me me me... I, I, I." Knowing these thoughts are not of God, but struggling to battle them - I was thankful when I read Romans 12 today. I'm not saying goals, resolutions, are bad, because I'm all for them, but I'm certainly not all for the degrading thoughts that the enemy tries to defeat us with when it comes time to make them. Something about Romans 12 HIT ME HARD and here's why...

Here's the breakdown of the Romans 12: New Year Resolutions.
Don't just pass these by. If we focus our energy more on these things I believe our minds will help to clear, our hearts will pure, our motives will change, more peace will come, and so on...

Romans 12

• 12:1 - Give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you [remember that Christmas thing we all just celebrated...yeah.]
• 12:2 - Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world [what resolutions does this world offer compared to what God offers...], BUT let GOD transform you into a new person [isn't that what we all want upon the New Year...] By changing the way you think. [yes, yes, yes, I know I need a change in my thinking lately]
• 12:3 - Don't think you are better than you really are. [ouch, but shouldn't I be confident, and think I'm amazing in order to be happy in life...] measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.
• 12:4 - We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. [Ok, so I think He's starting to say that my focus should be on the special function He's given me as a Christ follower. A function that helps others, and is not a selfish or a self-loathing function...]
• 12:6 - In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. [Aren't we all looking to do things well/better upon the new year... 6-8 lists different gifts, maybe I should start focusing energy on one of those things more...] 

Now onto more of the meat of this whole resolution thing within [Romans 12:9-21]

• Don't pretend to love others [really love them]
• Hate what is wrong
• Hold [tightly] to what is GOOD
• LOVE each other with genuine affection
• Take delight in honoring each other 
• NEVER be lazy, but work [hard] and serve the Lord enthusiastically
• Rejoice! in our confident HOPE
• Be patient in trouble and keep on praying
• When God's people are in need - be ready to help them
• Always be [eager] to practice hospitality 
• BLESS those who persecute you - Don't curse them; PRAY God will bless them
• Be happy with those who are happy
• Weep with those who weep
• Live in [harmony] with each other
• Don't be too proud to enjoy company of ordinary people
• Don't think you know it all!
• NEVER pay back evil with more evil
• Do things in such a way that people see you are honorable
• Do all that you can to live in PEACE with everyone
• NEVER take revenge - leave that to the righteous anger of God
• If your enemies are hungry, FEED THEM - If they are thirsty, GIVE them drink 
• Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing GOOD

#GOALS

Like I said, so much meat here. I picture Paul giving this charge with passion and purpose. I picture him standing on stage like a rockstar, spouting all this out with deep desire for us to experience this love, this freedom, and this community.  When he's done he drops the mic, steps back, and prayerfully observes the silence that fills the room. 

Stepping into Grace...

The day I stepped further into grace, was the day I said, "I do" to you.
An "I do" that represents so much.
A humble surrender to a hopeful future of love, forgiveness, change, grace, and so much more.
You reflect the unconditional love of Christ in so many ways. Let me name a few:
You chose me before I chose you.
You didn't let my past stop you from pursuing me.
You saw and still see me as beautiful in ways my heart can't always comprehend.
I know your love is real and organic at best; based on the baggage I carried and stuff I've put you through, I'd say your commitment to "us" is far above the rest. The day we married you reflected love and truth to me that only a righteous loving man can do.
You are a man. A very handsome man. A leader. A giver. You care. You are smart. Musical. And oh so funny. All these characteristics and many more make up you. With such a desirable long list that embodies who you are, I know many fine ladies would have been swooned (had they been given the chance). Yet in your grace you chose me. I became your "I do". What a gift.

Thank you. 

You've shaped me. You've sharpened me. You've frustrated me to the point of Grace. You've pushed me into patience. You've given me laughs. You've given me adventure. You've taught me to feel. You've taught me to "bake in the love". You've provided. You've forgiven. You've given me a future. You've given me a home. You've given me security. You've given me a son whom together we adore more than life itself. You've given me your hand to hold through it all.

Thank you. Thank you for all this undeserved grace you've given. I'm swallowed in it daily. 

Cheers to 8 years of becoming undone and made brand-new. 

I Love you. 

One last serious thing though. After all your trying you have yet to get me to understand the proper use of "their" vs "there". I'm sorry babe...this mission(impossible) is still in your hands and it could take years. So Cheers to many more together!

Oh and your muscles. You has them and I likes them.

Mah. xoxo (insert kissy face).

Cauliflower Pizza Crust - Recipe

Cauliflower Pizza Crust - Recipe 

1 Large Full head of Cauliflower

2 Eggs

1 Cup Mozzarella Cheese

1 Garlic Clove Minced

1 Tbsp Italian Seasoning or less

1 Tsp. Sea Salt

Parchment paper & Oil for base to cook on

A few of you have asked for the recipe I used to make the cauliflower crust I posted yesterday on Instagram. Here’s the thing though - I pulled from 3 different recipes to try and make it “perfect.” Whenever I’m trying a new recipe I pull up the same recipe on the web to see what others say about the “same” recipe. If the recipe varies a lot (which cauliflower crust does), I try to find a middle, and I think I have with this recipe!! Which is exciting, because I have failed miserably making it in the past. 

:: So here’s what I came up with and it worked out well this time ::

Preheat oven to 400 (I have a convection oven though, so mine heats more than normal), so I recommend knowing your oven, and cooking it at a lower heat if not sure. it just make take longer to cook, but that’s better than burning it. 

:: Cauliflower Steps :: 

*Run cauliflower through food processor so it turns into tiny bits.

*Microwave cauliflower for 6-10mins - I added some water to mine and heated it in two batches. Cook till it's nice and clear and soft. 

*Let the cauliflower cool in fridge after microwaving. Just long enough for you to be able to squeeze out the excess water without burning your hands. 

*Once cooled enough put cauliflower in a Nut Milk Bag and squeeze water out. The more dry the better for cooking.  

*This is the Nut Milk Bag I use: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ED2FOIY/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1). 

:: Spices/Eggs/Cheese Steps :: When cauliflower is cooling-

*Mix together Eggs, Mozzarella Cheese, Garlic, Italian Seasoning, Sea Salt

**You can add more or less of the seasonings or other seasoning you might like.

:: Mixing it all together ::

*Mix squeezed cauliflower into bowl with all other ingredients. Mix well.

*Put batch on Parchment Paper

*Spread out into a circle or whatever shape you like! 

*Make sure it’s thin enough to cook all the way through, but not TOO THIN! You want it to stay together. 

:: Cooking Steps ::

*Place in oven and cook till crust has browned and baked all the way through. 

*The time will vary based on your oven and thickness of crust. 

*The pizza in the crust in the picture was cooked for a good 30-40 mins.

:: Toppings ::

*Pull out crust and add all the toppings you want! 

*Bake toppings - I recommend Broiling the toppings after baking for about 5 mins or till browned to your liking - Broiling gives it a nice yummy finish!

THEN ENJOY! :)    Let me know if you have any questions. 

I hope to perfect this even more over time. 

If you know any secrets to making the perfect cauliflower crust, let me know! 

In honor of Falls first day...

:: RECIPE ::

This recipe is so easy! I used to be very intimidated by making squash soups, but I have found it doesn't have to be hard. This is one of my go to recipes. I've used it several times now. 

This time around I bought some homemade pumpkin bread from a local health store to go along with the soup... BEST decision ever! ;) 

 I toasted the bread with grape seed oil on it. 

The bread  was perfect for dipping in this soup. 

Link + [http://allrecipes.com/recipe/butternut-and-acorn-squash-soup/detail.aspx]

:: My recommendations/experience with this recipe:: 

• You don't have to use butter for cooking the onions - I use coconut oil. 
• I ended up cooking my squash about 15 mins longer than the recommended time.
• HIGHLY recommend slowly adding in the broth as you blend, in order to achieve desired consistency. I've made the mistake and used the suggested amount and it made my soup more runny than I would have liked. 
• This recipe calls for acorn squash too, but I've never personally used acorn squash with this recipe. To compensate - I select a LARGE butternut squash. 
• Slowly add sugar in order to achieve desired taste. I usually end up using LESS than the recipe calls for, but Kevin would use MORE if it was his call. ;P Everyone's different. 
• Recipe calls for cinnamon, and this time I didn't have any so I used Pumpkin spice and it worked well!
• I garnish mine with avocado. 
• It's also good garnished with a dollop on sour cream or plain yogurt added. 
• OH! and don't forget to save your butternut squash seeds! You can bake them and eat them for a snack! 

Almost forgot to mention that I've been adding 5-6 drops of Lemon Essential Oil to my water. 

So good and refreshing! 

I've also been putting the Lemon oil on my feet. It's supposed to help/prevent dry feet. I'm a runner and my feet get so bet up from it, so I'm excited to see how this helps and it has so far. I can tell it's healing them! I took a "BEFORE" picture and after I've used it consistently for a few days I'll take a "PROGRESS" picture and I'll post about it. 

For now, here are some Lemon Oil tips that can be helpful if you do use Essential Oils ::

Link + [http://www.youngliving.com/en_US/products/essential-oils/singles/lemon-essential-oil]

Enjoy!

from a house to a home

**I have this tendency to start a post and then forget to post it. I wrote this one a few weeks back and am just now getting to wrapping it up. **

As Kevin, Abram and I journey from our old home to our new one it's got me reminiscing on the past and how far God has brought me in faith and life. 

I thought I'd share a little bit of my past and you will see why my heart is stirring. I never want to become a person who is dependent upon "stuff" and material things. Although I am human and have a tendency to want nice things, I do however have this deep sense of gratitude when I do get new things (um, especially a house!) and here's a little bit of why...

It's not everyday you get to buy a house and make it a home. 

Most of my life I grew up in a trailer. For some that's just fine. I have nothing against trailer living, but in my experience it was one of the toughest/saddest times of my life. Not so much because of the trailer itself, but more so the family disfunction that was taking place during that time. 

As a young girl I dreamed of what it would be like to live in a HOUSE. 

A house that felt big where I could run and play. 

A house that felt clean and decorated well.

Most importantly a house that felt safe and secure. 

My past did not give such accommodations for a very long time. 

I remember as a young girl bouncing from place to place. For a very short time we lived in a tiny house that felt like an apartment with not so good memories there. Off and on we lived with my grandparents, and a lot of times with family friends. I remember all of those places well. 

No real place to call home. 

But somehow in the darkness of my past those places shaped me for a better future. 

When I was in about 2nd grade my grandfather bought 

us a trailer. Bless his heart. I am so grateful he did that. It allowed me to put down "some" roots. 

Although at times we were in and out of living there, depending on how things were going with my mom and dad's relationship and where my dad was mentally/physcially with his addictions.

We lived there through my 5th grade year. 

My childhood was coated in a lot trauma/disfunction to a level that generally does not sit well for a person's future being. But despite the odds, I found HOPE. God was there. He was always there. Always wooing me to himself even though I didn't know it at the time. I can honestly look back and see details of how He was there planting good seeds for my future. 

Anyways, the summer leading up to 6th grade my mom moved us in with her boyfriend whom would soon be my stepdad (and then not my stepdad).  

I felt like we had somewhat arrived. A new home! A HOUSE. A real house with a backyard, a garage, a front porch and best of all my own room! I even remember getting to pick out my bedroom carpet! It was an ugly forest green and I loved it! I had this weird obsession with green at the time. ;)

One would think that living in a house would be all you need. 

I learned over the years that the dream of living in an actual house that was "ours"

didn't necessarily mean it would feel like home and bring me all the safety and comfort I had hoped for. 

When I think of the word "home" - I think of safety. The place you long for when you need to escape the everyday world. The place you feel most secure to be yourself. The place you reunite with family and the reminder that they are your biggest fan. A place with beautiful walls and a secure roof that somehow creates this cozy-comfy-I-want-to-just-stay-in-bed-all-day-and-enjoy-watching-tv-and-never-leave kinda feeling. 

To some degree this house did that for me, but the majority of the time it didn't. 

Slowly this dream place went from being a home to just a house. 

Strife, divorce, insecurity, etc. lurked in every corner. The walls of my dream home had slowly became a source of pain and claustrophobia. I wanted out. I needed out. I left that house when I was 17 before my senior year of high school began.  

Without going into all the details, years after I left, that house ended up getting foreclosed on. It was hard for my mom, my siblings (who are all much younger than me) and I to say goodbye to it, but it was needed. 

It was time to tare those pages out of our families book and begin writing a new chapter. 

And thats what we did. It has NOT been an easy road for my family, but we're getting there. 

We have each other and God's better plans for our lives. 

I say all of this just to share that a house isn't everything. 

The people who make the house a home are everything. 

The God who dwells in your heart is everything. 

I know that ALL TOO WELL. 

God in His mercy, in His grace, in His love has been SO good to me. 

He has redeemed my past in ways that I could never have dreamed possible without Him. 

He has restored my life in such a way that I am able to make a house a home. 

I don't know what the future holds. I'm not guaranteed anything and our new home could be swept away in an instant, but what I do know is that I am blessed today, because I have a hope that travels with me wherever I go.  

No matter the place I am, home or not, God is there. 

It just so happens that I get to live out that little girls dreams through my very own family. 

Whether we have beautiful walls or ugly forest green carpet, I pray pray pray we make this house a home. A home that believes in love, miracles, truth, life, giving, abundance, joy, adventure, communication, and so much more.  

This song "Nothing is Wasted" by Jason Gray sums it all up so well. 

a growing boy

ABRAM DAVID  

{ 1 year update }

WEIGHT :: 22lb - 75-90%

LENGTH :: 29 1/4 - 50%

HEAD CIRCUMFERENCE :: 18 - 50%

CRAWLING :: 7 Months

WALKING :: 10 Months

FIRST TOOTH :: 9 months 

TEETH :: 4 on top 1 on bottom

FIRST WORDS :: Baba, Dada

CURRENT WORDS :: Ba (ball), Nana (baba), Mom, Mama, Dada

FAVORITE TOY :: Ball 

FAVORITE FOOD :: Chicken, Pizza, Plain yogurt 

DISLIKES :: Bananas, most fruit. Doesn't like much

SLEEP :: Sleeping through (most) nights - at about 11 months in own crib/room

Abram turned 1! It's been a whirlwind of blessings to watch him grow. He loves people. Nobody's a stranger to him. He gets very social being around people. He loves rough and tumble. He has a sweet, soft, quiet spirit about him though. 

He's often told his eyes are amazing and that his hair is lovely. People say he has mama's eyes and daddy's complexion/expressions. I think he looks a lot more like my side of the family than Kevin's. He has curls in the back which mama and daddy never had. 

Loves playing outside and chasing/kicking balls all around the house. He's not a big solid food eater. He doesn't like much flavor. It's got to be pretty plain. I have yet to find a fruit that he likes. 

He's such a joy and always smiling (as long as he's not tired or hungry). 

:: Picture overload from the past year ::

WE LOVE YOU ABRAM!